|
|
|
"Beware of dog"
10 REASONS
TO GET A DOG http://www.sqda.org/images/Calvin_Snowmen.PPS http://www.sqda.org/images/kids_animal_friends.pps http://www.sqda.org/images/buyadog01.pps Lessons in life with animals Click the link below !!! http://www.sqda.org/images/Vieheureuse.pps
ANGER
WHEN IMPRINTING TRIALS GO AWRY
DOG TIRED
MILK!! IT DOES A BODY GOOD
LAZY DOG
LUNCH
SMILE
Question: How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
Greyhound:
************************* "HOW A DISHWASHER REALLY WORKS"
*************************
************************* PET PEEVES DOGS HAVE ABOUT HUMANS 1. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping. 2. Blaming your farts on us....not funny. 3. Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!!!! 4. How naive you are to believe that the stupid cat hasn't been all over everything while you're gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?) 5. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Whose walk is this anyway? 6. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...quit it. 7. Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet. Why'd you get the carpet? 8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered the handshake thing yet. 9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look...we both know the truth. You’re just jealous. 10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur??? Imbecile! 11. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home. 12. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip" and then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back. DUHHHH! 13. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the 'top of the food chain'. You nitwit *******************************
******************************* I want to be a bear......
Notice to People
That Visit Our Home
***************************
*************************** There were three country churches in a small Texas town: the Presbyterian Church, the Methodist church and the Catholic Church.
Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels. One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
The Methodist group got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creations. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
It was only the Catholics who were able to come up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
This is why lots of men have two dogs and not two wives:
1. The later you are, the more excited they are to see you. 2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs. 3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it. 4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name. 5. A dog's disposition stays the same all month long. 6. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor. 7. A dog's parents never visit. 8. Dogs do not hate their bodies. 9. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across. 10. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk. 11. Dogs seldom outlive you. 12. Dogs can't talk. 13. Dogs enjoy petting in public. 14. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24-hours a day. 15. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk. 16. Dogs like to go hunting. 17. Another man will seldom steal your dog. 18. If you bring another dog home, your dog will happily play with both of you. 19. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died would you get another dog?" 20. If you pretend to be blind, your dog can stay in your hotel room for free. 21. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and sell them. 22. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert. 23. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car. 24. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad, they just think it's interesting. 25. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater or acting as a backseat driver. 26. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives. 27. When your dog gets old, you have the option of putting it down. 28. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdales or Neiman-Marcus or Tiffany’s etc. etc. 29. Dogs don’t mind if you want to watch the sports match on the television, as a matter of fact if you let them, they will probably cuddle on the couch beside you and keep you company. 30. If a dog leaves, it won't take half your stuff ***********************
***********************
*********************** Q: What happened to the shepherd when he drove his sheep through a town? A: He got a ticket for making a ewe turn *************** Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah's Ark... One: Don't miss the boat. Two: Remember that we are all in the same boat. Three: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark. Four: Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big. Five: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done. Six: Build your future on high ground. Seven: For safety's sake, travel in pairs. Eight: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs. Nine: When you're stressed, float a while. Ten: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals. *********************** Where Do Pets Come From? Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me." And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself." And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal." And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, "and you will call him DOG." And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail. After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well." And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration." And God created Cat to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the Supreme Being. And Adam learned humility. And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog was happy. And Cat didn't give a sh*t one way or the other. **********************************
********************************** THE SNIFFER DOG A man is sitting in a plane which is about to take-off when another man with a dog occupies the empty seats alongside. The dog is sat in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.
The dog handler says to the first man, "Don't mind Rover, he is a sniffer dog, the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne and I set him to work."
The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, "Watch this." He tells the dog, "Rover, search." The dog jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a few seconds, it then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm. He says, "Good boy", and turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this, and the seat number, for the police who will apprehend her on arrival." "Fantastic!" replies the first man. Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. The dog sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat and places both paws on the handler's arm. He says, "Good boy", and turns to the first man and says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of this, and the seat number." "That's marvelous, I've never seen anything like it!" says the first man. Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. He goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone, and then comes racing back and jumps up onto the seat and shits all over the place. The first man is surprised and disgusted by this, and asks "What the bloody hell is going on?" The handler replies, "He's just found a bomb!" ********************
WHY WE LOVE
CHILDREN
She asked
him if it was dead or alive. ***********************
***********************
Some
of us are dog people, and some of us are cat people... ****************************
**************************** Dog Letters To God
******************** I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. By the time we took off, there had been a 45-minute delay and everybody on board was ticked. Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be another 45-minute delay, and if we wanted to get off the aircraft, we would reboard in 30 minutes. Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs." Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a completely quiet standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, they also were trying to change airlines!
******************
******************
THINGS I MUST REMEMBER WHEN I COME BACK AS A DOG...
******************
****************** PLEASE REMEMBER THIS IS A JOKE, DO NOT ACTUALLY ATTEMPT THE FOLLOWING.
HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13) Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for SPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:
1) Wrap it in bacon. *************
************* A shepherd was herding his
flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the
dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci
shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and Yves Saint-Laurent tie, leaned out the window
and asked the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in
your flock, will you give me one?" ***********************
***********************
There’s a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a Chihuahua.
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the guy with a Chihuahua, “Let’s go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.”
The guy with the Chihuahua says, “We can’t go in there. We’ve got our dogs with us.”
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, “Just follow my lead.”
They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman pincher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he goes to walk in.
A guy at the door says, “Sorry, mac, no pets allowed.
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”
The guy at the door says, “A Doberman Pinscher?”
He says, “Yes, they’re using them now, they’re excellent.”
The guy at the door says, “Oh, Ok then come on in.”
The guy with the Chihuahua figures, “What the hell.”
He puts on a pair of dark glasses and goes to walk in.
The guy at the door says, “Sorry, pal, no pets allowed.”
The guy with the Chihuahua says, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”
The guy at the door says, “A Chihuahua as a seeing eye dog, your kidding right?”
The guy with the Chihuahua says incredulously: “They gave me a Chihuahua?”
****************************
|
 |
||
 |
||
 |
||
 |
||
 |
||
Web Site Design,
Hosting, Marketing, E-commerce,
infoguide411.com
All
Rights Reserved
